Somitra's Blog world

Sunday, August 14, 2011

An adventure to remember

Parents of a friend were visiting him from his hometown in Bihar during our BTech days. Initially he planned to take them to Priya cinema for a movie and dinner in a restaurant close by. However he dropped this idea after thinking over this a little. "I am afraid they will get a cultural shock.", he quipped explaining the change of plans. Today he lives in Delhi with his two kids, both of whom are born Delhites. If he takes them to Kolkata sometime, I presume that the kids will get a cultural shock !

Kolkata is a city I fell in love with during my PhD days. The values of the city are just the opposite of what Delhi is known for. However, we will leave all that discussion on values and the way of living of an average Kolkatan for some other day. The topic of this post is the sweet language spoken in the city.

Almost all western Indian dialects and languages have a variety of hard words which require the toungue to be acrobatic and touch against the upper part of the mouth for correct pronounciation (ड, ळ etc). Bangla (or Bengali) is a soft language not having any place for such harsh sounds. The people are also, on average, lot gentler than their counterparts in northern India. During my stay and visits to that city for the last 8 years, I am yet to see a bus conductor who would talk to pessangers in impolite way. In Delhi, one is accustomed to hear "oye, ticket liya ke?", no matter what is your age. But in Kolkata, one would more likely hear "Kaku, ticket?" if one is old enough to be referred to as an uncle, otherwise it will be "dada" (or "didi" for the other gender) in place of "kaku". For the sake of completeness, I should comment that "harsh words" of anothe kind do exist in Bangla but one is not likely to hear them if the company one keeps is good enough. In north, a certain off spinner can get away by calling an australian player a "monkey" by reasoning that he was using a different word common in north India. That excuse is unlikely to hold in West Bengal.

When I first landed in Kolkata, I did not have any prior experince with Bangla. One can even manage without knowing the language since most people understand Hindi. But since I had planned to stay there for many years (how many was not known at that time, true to the nature of what PhD means), I decided to learn at least some part of the language. This is where the problems began.

Being an alien in that land, the first problem I faced was that of discerning the subtle differences in the Bengali pronounciation of similar sounding words such as "brush" and "brass". To my untrained ears both these words would sound as "Braash". It soon became clear to me that it was much easier to understand the difference between "homomorphism" and "isomorphism". As a PhD student giving up was not an option on any task undertaken. However, just like one does not take the task of attempting to prove (or disprove) P!=NP as the topic of one's PhD thesis, once the history of the problem is known, I too decided to change guard. "Wouldn't it be easier to learn the alphabets instead ?", I reasoned to myself. Afterall no pronononciation is involved, no collision with the dialets of east Midnapore will happen and one need not understand an alphabet in real time. And so I hatched the plan of learning the alphabet first and the spoken language later.

The first few alphabets were easy to add to the set of alphabets recognized by my little brain. I could just read the names of the shops and sometimes make one to one correspondence with the English names written on the same board. At other times, pattern recognition (which incidentally was a course I was studying those days) techniques came handy. I learned that recognizing patterns is not only useful to detect cancer in genome data, but also in learning new alphabets. Add to this the fact that the entropy of natural languages is known to be small (Reference: Chapter 2 of Douglas Stinson's book titled Cryptography: Theory and practice, CRC press). Using this idea, I could learn the remaining letter to be "tha" if the first few characters were "bhoo-ta-naa-". Anything else would not make sense. This approach reaped good dividend, but had a limitation which was not easy to overcome. The shops do not change their names very often. Once I had learned all the characters used on the shops in front of my institute, there was no easy way for me to increase the "alphabet power" (similar to "word power"), specially because I rarely went anywhere other than my rented flat and the institute.

It is at this time that a decrepit cinema hall between my flat and the institute came in handy. It was on the road which I used to walk on daily to reach my institute. It was notorious (some would say famous) for showing movies of a special genre. This genre was known by the rather oblique epithet of "jawani series" in my hostel at IIT-Delhi. This name was ostensibly given because most movies of this line of creativity had the word "jawani" in their title. Although realms have been written by PhD students of literature on the problems of translation and how the meaning is lost in the process, I guess the readers of this blog will not face any problem even if I write the titles of these movies in English. Actually, that explains the universality of this genre - These movies can be "enjoyed" even in the absence of a sound system or sub-titles. Some classics from this class of movies have been titled "The game of youth", "Lost the youth in village fare", "The fire of youth", etc, where the word "youth" has been used in place of the original "jawani". Interestingly, may a times, the movie would be in Telegu or English, but the poster would almost invariably have the title in the local langauage.

Since movies used to change every week (and sometimes even earlier if the "response" to a particular one was not good), I had lot of new alphabets to see and learn. It did not take me more than few weeks to learn almost all the alphabets of the language.

Today, when I look back at my quest for and subsequest success in learning the alphabets of this beautiful language, I can only say one thing. "O' Bhadra-log, I learned the letters of your language the abhadra way."

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Hell explained: By a chemistry student

Hell Explained
By A Chemistry Student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct........leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

Friday, September 4, 2009

Truths About Colleges and Universities

(Note : this is from an old email. The author of the piece is anonymous to me.)

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.

It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say:
"Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH:
This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY:
Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY:
This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY:
For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
"Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

भारत एक खोज

"Bharat ek khoj" (hindi : भारत एक खोज ) used to be a serial aired on Doordarshan in my childhood days. It was directed by Shyam Benegal with the story based on a novel of the same name by the first prime minister of independent India, Jawharlal Nehru. It wasn't really a novel, it was a recap of the thousands of years of Indian history, real history.

I did not fully understand, and hence did not like, the serial those days, even though the serial was much better than reading boring (poorly written and presented) history textbooks in school. However, what I liked even in that immature age were the title tracks of the serial. I learned from my father that they were suktas in the Rigveda. The starting track was a translation of the "Nasadiya Sukta", which is hymn 129 of the mandal 10 of the Rigveda. The english translation of the same can be found here. Below I provide the sukta in Hindi, English (from the link provided earlier) and in original Sanskrit.

First, the way the sukta was sung on the serial. It would start with the original Sanskrit verse (to create an effect, and surely it created a wonderful effect on the listener) and then the hindi translation would come. Vanraj Bhatia produced these ear pleasing sound tracks and I believe this gentleman's potential could have been utilized more in TV and/or Indian cinema. Wonder what happened to Mr. Bhatia. Some information about him on Wikipedia is this.

Here is the opening song, if I can call it a song. Check it on Youtube here.

सृष्टी से पहले सत नहीं था, असत भी नहीं,
अन्तरिक्ष भी नहीं, आकाश भी नहीं था.
छिपा था क्या, कहाँ, किसने ढका था,
उस पल तो अगम, अटल जल भी कहाँ था.

.................

सृष्टी का कौन है कर्ता,
कर्ता है ये वा अकर्ता,
ऊंचे आसमान में रहता,
सदा अध्यक्ष बना रहता.
वोही सच- मुच में जानता,
या नहीं भी जानता...
है किसी को नहीं पता ...
नहीं पता...
नहीं है पता....नहीं है पता .....

Only the first and the last stranza of the hymn were translated and sung in Hindi in the serial. The full hymn is so thought provoking and profound that one is left speechless when it is read fully. It is unfortunate that such great philosophy is not taught, not even mentioned, in our schools and colleges. Had it not been for the serial, I would have remained ignorant of this treasure of our literature. Here it is in full.

Rigveda 10,129: Nasadiya Sukta (The hymn of creation)

नासदासीन नो सदासीत तदानीं नासीद रजो नो वयोमापरो यत ।
किमावरीवः कुह कस्य शर्मन्नम्भः किमासीद गहनं गभीरम ॥

nâsadâsînno sadâsît tadânîm nâsîdrajo no vyomâ paro yat
kim âvarîvah kuha kasya sharmann ambhah kimâsîdgahanam gabhîram

THEN was not non-existent nor existent: there was no realm of air, no sky beyond it.
What covered in, and where? and what gave shelter? Was water there, unfathomed depth of water?
न मर्त्युरासीदम्र्तं न तर्हि न रात्र्या अह्न आसीत्प्रकेतः ।
आनीदवातं सवधया तदेकं तस्माद्धान्यन न परः किं चनास ॥

na mrtyurâsîdamrtam na tarhi na râtryâ ahna âsît praketah
ânîdavâtam svadhayâ tadekam tasmâddhânyanna parah kimcan âsa

Death was not then, nor was there aught immortal: no sign was there, the day's and night's divider.
That One Thing, breathless, breathed by its own nature: apart from it was nothing whatsoever.
तम आसीत तमसा गूळमग्रे.अप्रकेतं सलिलं सर्वमािदम ।
तुछ्येनाभ्वपिहितं यदासीत तपसस्तन्महिनाजायतैकम ॥

tama âsît tamasâ gûlhamagre 'praketam salilam sarvam â idam
tucchyenâbhvapihitam yadâsît tapasastanmahinâjâyataikam

Darkness there was: at first concealed in darknew this All was indiscriminated chaos.
All that existed then was void and form less: by the great power of Warmth was born that Unit.
कामस्तदग्रे समवर्तताधि मनसो रेतः परथमं यदासीत ।
सतो बन्धुमसति निरविन्दन हर्दि परतीष्याकवयो मनीषा ॥

kâmastadagre samavartatâdhî manaso retah prathamam yadâsît
sato bandhum asati niravindan hrdi pratîshyâ kavayo manîshâ

Thereafter rose Desire in the beginning, Desire, the primal seed and germ of Spirit.
Sages who searched with their heart's thought discovered the existent's kinship in the non-existent.
तिरश्चीनो विततो रश्मिरेषामधः सविदासी.अ.अ.अत ।
रेतोधाासन महिमान आसन सवधा अवस्तात परयतिः परस्तात ॥

tirashcino vitato rashmir eshâm adhah svidâsîdupari svidasît
retodhâ âsan mahimâna âsan svadhâ avastât prayatih parastât

Transversely was their severing line extended: what was above it then, and what below it?
There were begetters, there were mighty forces, free action here and energy up yonder.
को अद्धा वेद क इह पर वोचत कुत आजाता कुत इयंविस्र्ष्टिः ।
अर्वाग देवा अस्य विसर्जनेनाथा को वेद यताबभूव ॥

ko addhâ veda ka iha pravocat kuta âjâtâ kuta iyam visrhtih
arvâgdevâ asya visarjanenâ- -thâ ko veda yata âbabhûva

Who verily knows and who can here declare it, whence it was born and whence comes this creation?
TheGods are later than this world's production. Who knows then whence it first came into being?
इयं विस्र्ष्टिर्यत आबभूव यदि वा दधे यदि वा न ।
यो अस्याध्यक्षः परमे वयोमन सो अङग वेद यदि वा नवेद ॥

iyam visrshtiryata âbabhûva yadi vâ dadhe yadi vâ na
yo asyâdhyakshah parame vyoman so anga veda yadi vâ na veda

He, the first origin of this creation, whether he formed it all or did not form it,
Whose eye controls this world in highest heaven, he verily knows it, or perhaps he knows not.

Finally, the serial would end with another sukta from the Rigveda. This was the even better sounding "कस्मै देवाय हविषा विधेम" hymn 121 from mandal 10. It follwed the same effect-creating-sanskrit-pronounciation and followed it up with the following hindi rendering. Check on Youtube here.

वो था हिरण्य गर्भ सृष्टि से पहले विद्यमान,
वही तो सारे भूत जाति का स्वामी महान,
जो है अस्तित्वमान धरती आसमान धारण कर,
ऐसे किस देवता की उपासना करें हम हवि देकर.

जिस के बल पर तेजोमय है अंबर,
पृथ्वी हरी भरी स्थापित स्थिर,
स्वर्ग और सूरज भी स्थिर,
ऐसे किस देवता की उपासना करें हम हवि देकर.

गर्भ में अपने अग्नि धारण कर पैदा कर,
व्यापा था जल इधर उधर नीचे ऊपर,
जगा चुके व एकमेव प्राण बनकर,
ऐसे किस देवता की उपासना करें हम हवि देकर.

ऊँ!सृष्टि निर्माता,स्वर्ग रचयिता पूर्वज रक्षा कर,
सत्य धर्म पालक अतुल जल नियामक रक्षा कर,
फैली हैं दिशायें बाहु जैसी उसकी सब में सब पर,
ऐसे ही देवता की उपासना करें हम हवि देकर|
ऐसे ही देवता की उपासना करें हम हवि देकर||

The above is also a part translation of the full verse. Here is the full one more formally:

Rigveda 10,121: “What God shall we adore with our oblation?” (English from here)

हिरण्यगर्भः समवर्तताग्रे भूतस्य जातः पतिरेकासीत ।
स दाधार पर्थिवीं दयामुतेमां कस्मै देवायहविषा विधेम ॥

Hiranyagarbhah samavartatâgre bhûtasya jâtâh patir eka âsît
sa dâdhâra prthivîm dyâm utemâm kasmai devâya havishâ vidhema

IN the beginning rose Hiranyagarbha, born Only Lord of all created beings.
He fixed and holdeth up this earth and heaven. What God shall we adore with our oblation?
य आत्मदा बलदा यस्य विश्व उपासते परशिषं यस्यदेवाः ।
यस्य छायाम्र्तं यस्य मर्त्युः कस्मै देवायहविषा विधेम ॥

ya âtmadâ baladâ yasya vishva upâsate prashisham yasya devâh
yasya châyamrtam yasya mrtyuh kasmai devâya havishâ vidhema

Giver of vital breath, of power and vigour, he whose commandments all the Gods acknowledge -.
The Lord of death, whose shade is life immortal. What God shall we adore with our oblation?
यः पराणतो निमिषतो महित्वैक इद राजा जगतो बभूव ।
य ईशे अस्य दविपदश्चतुष्पदः कस्मै देवाय हविषाविधेम ॥

yah prânato nimishato mahitvâ- eka id râjâ jagato babhûva
ya îshe asya dvipadash catushpadah kasmai devâya havishâ vidhema

Who by his grandeur hath become Sole Ruler of all the moving world that breathes and slumbers;
He who is Loord of men and Lord of cattle. What God shall we adore with our oblation?
यस्येमे हिमवन्तो महित्वा यस्य समुद्रं रसया सहाहुः ।
यस्येमाः परदिशो यस्य बाहू कस्मै देवाय हविषाविधेम ॥

yasyeme himavanto mahitvâ yasya samudram rasayâ sahâhuh
yasyemâh pradisho yasya bâhû kasmai devâya havishâ vidhema

His, through his might, are these snow-covered mountains, and men call sea and Rasa his possession:
His arms are these, his are these heavenly regions. What God shall we adore with our oblation?
येन दयौरुग्रा पर्थिवी च दर्ळ्हा येन सव सतभितं येननाकः ।
यो अन्तरिक्षे रजसो विमानः कस्मै देवायहविषा विधेम ॥

yena dyaur ugrâ prthivî ca drlhâ yena sva stabhitam yena nâkah
yo antarikshe rajaso vimânah kasmai devâya havishâ vidhema

By him the heavens are strong and earth is stedfast, by him light's realm and sky-vault are supported:
By him the regions in mid-air were measured. What God shall we adore with our oblation?
यं करन्दसी अवसा तस्तभाने अभ्यैक्षेतां मनसारेजमाने ।
यत्राधि सूर उदितो विभाति कस्मै देवायहविषा विधेम ॥

yam krandasî avasâ tastabhane abhy aikshetâm manasâ rejamâne
yatrâdhi sûra udito vibhâti kasmai devâya havishâ vidhema

To him, supported by his help, two armies embattled look while trembling in their spirit,
When over them the risen Sun is shining. What God shall we adore with our oblation?
आपो ह यद बर्हतीर्विश्वमायन गर्भं दधानाजनयन्तीरग्निम ।
ततो देवानां समवर्ततासुरेकःकस्मै देवाय हविषा विधेम ॥

âpo ha yad brhatîr vishvam âyan garbham dadhânâ janayantîr âgnim
tato devânâm sam avartatâsur ekah kasmai devâya havisha vidhema

What time the mighty waters came, containing the universal germ, producing Agni,
Thence sprang the Gods' one spirit into being. What God shall we adore with our oblation?
यश्चिदापो महिना पर्यपश्यद दक्षं दधानाजनयन्तीर्यज्ञम ।
यो देवेष्वधि देव एक आसीत कस्मैदेवाय हविषा विधेम ॥

yash cid âpo mahinâ paryapashyad daksham dadhânâ janayantîr yajñam
yo deveshv adhi deva eka âsit kasmai devâya havishâ vidhema

He in his might surveyed the floods containing productive force and generating Worship.
He is the God of gods, and none beside him. What God shall we adore with our oblation?
मा नो हिंसीज्जनिता यः पर्थिव्या यो वा दिवंसत्यधर्मा जजान ।
यश्चापश्चन्द्रा बर्हतीर्जजानकस्मै देवाय हविषा विधेम ॥

mâ no himsîj janitâ yah prthivyâ yo vâ divam satyadharmâ jajâna
yash câpash candrâ brhatîr jajâna kasmai devâya havishâ vidhema

Neer may he harm us who is earth's Begetter, nor he whose laws are sure, the heavens' Creator,
He who brought forth the great and lucid waters. What God shall we adore with our oblation?
परजापते न तवदेतान्यन्यो विश्वा जातानि परि ताबभूव ।
यत्कामास्ते जुहुमस्तन नो अस्तु वयं सयाम पतयोरयीणाम ॥

prajâpate na tvad etâny anyo vishvâ jâtâni pari tâ babhûva
yatkâmâs te juhumas tan no astu vayam syâma patayo rayînâm

Prajapati! thou only comprehendest all these created things, and none beside thee.
Grant us our hearts' desire when we invoke thee: may we have store of riches in possession.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Course : English 44A Creative Writing
School : SMU
Instructor : Prof. Miller

In class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.

The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

And now, the Assignment as submitted by

Rebecca & Gary:

(Contribution of the first author is in Blue color and the that of the second one in Red color).

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?", she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bit-ch.

----End of Story-----

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

An Exemplary College Application Essay (Statement of Purpose or SOP)

Supposedly, this is an actual SOP written by some (great) guy. Enjoy. :)

3a. Essay:

In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

How to prove theorems ?

Many years ago, I received an email listing these wonderful ways to prove theorems. I am sure the mail would still be circulating in some form or the other. This is my small attempt to preserve the best mathematical lesson I had for posterity. Thanks to the anonymous author.